Trapped in this setting I feel as though I am going to fail in my quest
to overcome the pain. I try to hide it, and I suppose I do a decent job
of it, but it seems as though I am loosing the battle.
The obvious symptoms being that I get irritated, frustrated and at times
just feel like being left alone. I wish I could convey to people to
leave me alone rather than to pester me and leech out every ounce of
blood and energy from within me.
Oh how much I want to cleans myself of this pain. I don't blame it on
the nature or any-such thing for I know that nature is pitilessly
indifferent. It is neither good, nor bad. Neither kind, nor cruel. Just
callously indifferent. And that is the way things are. People hesitate
admitting it, although I am sure they are aware of it at some level or
another. Perhaps we all want things to be rosy and good and nice... I
suppose I am no different, but on the other hand I do relaize that is
like the chase to find the horizon --- an infinite run. Oh how tangled
web we weave... knowing all well that there is no way out of it!
The nature is pitiless, but humans are supposed to be filled with
virtue, compassion etc. They are not supposed to be gloomy,
repulsive and cold --- colder than the devil himself. Humans thrive
on their ability to empathize, love, feel and express compassion, yet
at most of the times I find them to be colder than blizzard itself.
This scares me and saddens me at the same time. It reminds me of a story
I once read:
There was once a small kid. He had a small corner in his backyard,
where he had planted some flowers. He took good care of them: watered
them, weeded them etc.
But one day when he went to water them, he found his flower-bed dug up,
the flowers destroyed, and lying on the crushed stems was his sick dog,
whom he loved just as much. The dog had broken his leg the day before,
while playing with the kid. It was a sad sad day for the kid, but the
day was clear, bright and pleasant. The cursed Sun was shinning with
more than customary zeal and indifference.
I suppose that is what is expected of nature, but what gets me most is
how the kids parents, and so called well-wishers dealt with the situation
--- they all insisted that next spring, the flowers will bloom again and
that there is no need to feel bleak; or that the dog ought to be
punished for ruining his garden. It is {sad}, but that is how
it is.
One year has passed and things have gotten worse still. My heart, mind
and body is still as much in pain, if not more, as it was last year. All
else except what is desolate and sad has faded from my memory, like the
image from the TV set. Why is it that things that leave impression on me
are sad and tragic things/events? How come I am unable to sustain the
feeling of happiness? Just questions and questions that is all I have.
The more I try to seek answers, the more tangled I get in this thick web
of kaleidoscopic soup of questions. I suppose some of the questions are
unwarranted, but they surface up just the same, like why do I exist when
all I do is complain, whine, curse and question?
I don't know.
New year is on the corner, let's see what sut does it spew out of its
calm looking and inviting maar. Come on 1997, and face my flounder. Let's
see who quits first, you or I. Twenty six generations of your forefathers
have perished before me... I await you.
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